God's Timing

So most of you know dad is in the hospice now. He's been there for almost two full weeks. He is the most precious man I've ever known. He doesn't talk to us anymore but the way he raises his eyebrows and half grins when mom rubs his feet...its precious. The way he blinks and squeezes our hands when we tell him we love him, its precious. The way he grunts when we read scripture to him...precious (as long as it means amen and not OUch im in pain.) All the nurses come in constantly and wake him up...which we would rather them not....but they just cant get enough of him because he's so precious.

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was asking me how I felt and honestly most days I have no idea! I know i feel tired. But emotionally I just don't know. It feels like a crazy mixture of sadness,numbness,a little bit of anger (though i try not to),fear,and just weirdness. Somedays I don't feel anything. Its just crazy what your body does when you're in a situation like this for such an extended amount of time.

Today I was alone at the hospice with dad for a while and I just had this overwhelming desire to cuddle with him again. The nurses would probably yell at me if i climbed onto bed with him..It just keeps hitting me all the things that we cant do anymore. For example, a couple weeks ago when he was still kind of talking, I came home freaking out (just a bit dramatically) about what to do with my life and needing direction and he grabbed my hand and explained to "his babygirl" that i have plenty of time and it will all work out etc and though it was nothing profound i just realized how loong it had been since he had given me advice. I really miss that. He always knew what to do.

Anyways to get to the title of all this....God's timing. I was getting a little frustrated with God's timing because I felt like this was all just dragging on and its so hard to watch him suffer and its so hard on mom...its just hard and being a person obsessed with comfort and ease...well i just kept asking God why he hasn't taken dad yet... And today I got the answer. We have a friend who is not a believer come to visit dad and ended up having a looong discussion about salvation. Dad had been ministering to this person for quite some time before he got sick but nothing seemed to stick. Maybe that conversation wouldn't have happened had dad not provided this opportunity still being at the hospice. I know the Lord works all things for the good of his people and for his own glory and I know this situation is no different. I pray that many would come to see him in new ways or come to know him for the first time because of Dad's journey.

I feel so blessed to have a Dad that loved me so much, treated me like his princess (which im sure brent wishes he wouldn't have endulged quite so much haha) and taught me so much about my savior. He is leaving behind such an amazing legacy and I cannot wait to hang out with him in Heaven.

Thank you all for the prayers!

a little loneliness a BIG idol...

I will start by saying that I believe in the all surpassing love of my savior and that his shed blood demands my guilty conscience depart, and that everything in the post below is under the knowledge of grace and applied mercy.

Now for some confession.

Loneliness. To feel this I don't think entails any sin. My problem lies wherein it becomes an idol. I feel my heart hardening to the Lord's direction. You'd think after everything i've been through the last two years that i would have learned that The lord will do as he pleases and that, incredibly, that will be precisely what is for his glory AND my good. The two are never separated. I get so overwhelmed with loneliness that I quickly turn to anger or bitterness or just shear determination to get back to birmingham. I want to be sensitive to the Spirit's guidance but so often i find myself consumed in planning and planning and setting my hopes and happiness on getting back to birmingham. I really feel convicted that it has become an idol and i assume the attitude of ... I will not stay here, i cannot be away for two more years, i can't take the loneliness, I'm tired of being selfless, basically a pure brat who wants what she wants and wont have it any other way. i know..its disgusting. I say this mostly for prayer. Ultimately that my heart would be aligned to what the Lord has for me, that i would be wise, not bitter, and run towards his direction with confidence knowing that i am blessed and provided for and loved so dearly. He desires no harm for me and I know theres a lot of pruning going on with me. And i trust that pruning is a good thing...much better than being dead, cut off and thrown into the fires. (im referring to john 15) but pruning is so painful and i feel as though i get stuck in the pain of ohhh you're cutting things off of me...which leads into either bitterness or guilt that "I" actually had something needing to be cut off... instead of allowing my heart to cling to the promise that he who started the good work in me will carry it out into sweet fulfillment and to rest in grace and christ's righteousness...

I think LIMBO is a good word to describe my life at this point. unable to move backwards or forwards. And spiritually i feel stuck at times. I share this to ask for your prayers for there are many times when i know not where to even begin except to cling on to even the most basic truths of the gospel or of god's character. Somedays all i can do is cling onto the truth that God is GOOD and everything else just seems overwhelming.

I hope at least some of this makes sense. If not...well.. welcome to my brain. haha. oh and it is 4 am. so i think maybe i get a pass.

...another quick thought on the loneliness... The Lord is such an intimate God who i know offers comfort and community. I must learn to enjoy his presence alone when He is all i have. But that takes earnest seeking and sometimes i don't feel as though its worth the energy. thats if im really honest with myself... IF only i truly understood/believed what sweet and amazing relationship he offers then i should seek after him with everything inside of me.

Lord help my unbelief.