Now for some confession.
Loneliness. To feel this I don't think entails any sin. My problem lies wherein it becomes an idol. I feel my heart hardening to the Lord's direction. You'd think after everything i've been through the last two years that i would have learned that The lord will do as he pleases and that, incredibly, that will be precisely what is for his glory AND my good. The two are never separated. I get so overwhelmed with loneliness that I quickly turn to anger or bitterness or just shear determination to get back to birmingham. I want to be sensitive to the Spirit's guidance but so often i find myself consumed in planning and planning and setting my hopes and happiness on getting back to birmingham. I really feel convicted that it has become an idol and i assume the attitude of ... I will not stay here, i cannot be away for two more years, i can't take the loneliness, I'm tired of being selfless, basically a pure brat who wants what she wants and wont have it any other way. i know..its disgusting. I say this mostly for prayer. Ultimately that my heart would be aligned to what the Lord has for me, that i would be wise, not bitter, and run towards his direction with confidence knowing that i am blessed and provided for and loved so dearly. He desires no harm for me and I know theres a lot of pruning going on with me. And i trust that pruning is a good thing...much better than being dead, cut off and thrown into the fires. (im referring to john 15) but pruning is so painful and i feel as though i get stuck in the pain of ohhh you're cutting things off of me...which leads into either bitterness or guilt that "I" actually had something needing to be cut off... instead of allowing my heart to cling to the promise that he who started the good work in me will carry it out into sweet fulfillment and to rest in grace and christ's righteousness...
I think LIMBO is a good word to describe my life at this point. unable to move backwards or forwards. And spiritually i feel stuck at times. I share this to ask for your prayers for there are many times when i know not where to even begin except to cling on to even the most basic truths of the gospel or of god's character. Somedays all i can do is cling onto the truth that God is GOOD and everything else just seems overwhelming.
I hope at least some of this makes sense. If not...well.. welcome to my brain. haha. oh and it is 4 am. so i think maybe i get a pass.
...another quick thought on the loneliness... The Lord is such an intimate God who i know offers comfort and community. I must learn to enjoy his presence alone when He is all i have. But that takes earnest seeking and sometimes i don't feel as though its worth the energy. thats if im really honest with myself... IF only i truly understood/believed what sweet and amazing relationship he offers then i should seek after him with everything inside of me.
Lord help my unbelief.
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