So i couldn't resist!! I did a little therapy shopping yesterday! and it felt sooo good! Haha this is a common struggle of mine but i didn't go crazy at the mall or anything just three new shirts from my favorite store Lizard Thicket!

I just keep being reminded through this really difficult time of Gods faithfulness. Psalm 33 says ALL THE WORK OF THE LORD IS DONE IN FAITHFULNESS! And it is so true. There have been so many times this past year when i have been deeply disappointed and discouraged and even doubtful that the Lord has my best interest in mind. However even despite my unbelief he proves himself faithful every time. Even in the most minor details of timing he is sovereign and works all things together for my good. There are so many truths and promises in scripture to hang onto.

Last night we had a really good talk with dad and i think we all got a little bit of closure. Because of the aphasia we've had a really hard time trying to figure out what he's thinking and feeling about all this. Last night he was able to really communicate about several things and denies feeling and fear or anxiety and claims to feel peace and a little sad. I get the sense that he truly is very calm! He was able to express a little bit about recent moments with his older brother who refelcted on dad's life and what a testimony and role model he had been for his whole family. He has been such a teacher and servant to everyone in his life. Everyone talks about how the lord will say "well done my good and faithful servant" when you get to heaven and i truly think he will say that to dad. He has done so much kingdom work it was his whole life! Everything he did was an overflow from his deep love of his Father. We were able to assure him not to worry that the Lord is gonna continue to take care of us just like he has done so well all these years and we talked about all the good times when we're all reunited in Heaven.

Sometimes I just get this super strong urge for him to hold me! thankfully right now i can enjoy that... But im gonna miss that when he's gone. He gives the best hugs!

Well I've decided to start a blog! - Im lounging on the couch next to my nephewpuppy chewie who sleeps soo weird! -

Anyways Im sitting thinking about what i would like my father's 'memorial service' to look like (mom says FUNERAL's are too sad so she wants a memorial service lol) Anyways its so bittersweet. While i can have full confidence that my father will see His creator soon and enjoy the reality of Heaven, loosing him is still so hard! I thought i would be prepared for this moment. I thought i'd really lost my dad about a year ago when he developed a brain hemorrhage which took his ability to communicate away. Slowly his personality and quality of life began to disappear and the man i took care of every day the man i knew as my father for 20 years was slowly turning into someone i didn't recognize. I thought i would be relieved... that he would be in a better place and we would't be tortured to keep watching him waste away...But Im NOT prepared. Theres no way you can be prepared. When it comes down to it, No little girl wants to loose her dad...or papa diddy as i called him. No little girl wants to think about graduating college, getting married, getting her first place, having kids, or going on vacation, without having her daddy there to look on and be proud and present in her life!

Sometimes i struggle with anger..not necessarily at God but i guess in a round about way thats the only person to be angry with because he's completely sovereign. But more often than that its just deep sadness. I watch my mom who has been the most loving and faithful wife to him for 30 years...i watch her heart being ripped out and stepped on...i watch her endure the most pain she's ever felt in her entire life...And at times i start to feel overwhelmed but thankfully i have family and friends and a personal relationship with Christ that reminds me of the Great HOPE we have. To quote carrie underwood...this IS our temporary home. And though the loss will take some time to heal...we will all get to be together again in Heaven. Sometimes its just hard to let that sink in.

But when i can remember nothing else i will remember that my God is Good and Loving and his Children will NEVER taste death because He has sent his son to take death upon himself that i may have rich abundant ETERNAL life. Yes, he is so good.