Mifffed!

I just am feeling "miffed" today. -- a petulant, bad tempered mood. I know.. everyone beware. If people who knew me in high school could be around me today they would be shocked to see that the "emotionally dead" girl is now the biggest emotional mess they've ever seen. I dont know what to do with myself. I know i know i have a lot going on but im so tired of my life being an emotional roller coaster. I want to go back to second grade where recess was the absolute best thing in life and the only stress in life was how to tell the difference between there and their. O the glory days. I feel like I'm having to grow up too fast. Or maybe this is normal and I'm just resisting it with everything I have. I guess this is the time to preach the gospel to myself and find my solace in scripture but really all i wanna do is enjoy my java chip frape that i shouldn't even be drinking and cry. I really need to grow up.

The other thing I've been thinking about today is that I have no idea what its like to be in the real world and it scares the crap out of me! My thoughts are consumed with questions of the future, when and how to get married, how to make money, where to finish school, to work now, to move now, to move in the future, to stay with mom, to live by myself, to understand bills and taxes and ahh i just get so overwhelmed. I wanna be in a different place/phase of life, i want the next four weeks just be done. Me being unconscious during them would not be all that bad either... but I just feel like im being blown in the wind and the other second i feel like my feet are stuck in cement. See what i mean about being an emotional mess.

and of corse what my mom would say about all this is to "live in today. not worrying about tomorrow for God has only given you the grace to get through the worries of today." i know i know. I just want to master life. I want to be good at it...have it figured out and it depresses me that this is an impossible task. No one ever has it all figured out. And i think my desire stems from just not wanting to experience pain but I'm learning now that pain though its horrible is not all that bad. Its just part of life..it will always be here. And to try to avoid it with everything i have would be a pointless waste of time. So why do i keep trying to have the perfect life. Why cant i just accept what comes each day. Sigh. If only I had all the answers.

The other thing that really bugs me is money. Why do you have to have it for everything! geez. anybody know a way to make a bunch of money fast that doesn't include prostitution or the lottery. Thanks.