God's Timing

So most of you know dad is in the hospice now. He's been there for almost two full weeks. He is the most precious man I've ever known. He doesn't talk to us anymore but the way he raises his eyebrows and half grins when mom rubs his feet...its precious. The way he blinks and squeezes our hands when we tell him we love him, its precious. The way he grunts when we read scripture to him...precious (as long as it means amen and not OUch im in pain.) All the nurses come in constantly and wake him up...which we would rather them not....but they just cant get enough of him because he's so precious.

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was asking me how I felt and honestly most days I have no idea! I know i feel tired. But emotionally I just don't know. It feels like a crazy mixture of sadness,numbness,a little bit of anger (though i try not to),fear,and just weirdness. Somedays I don't feel anything. Its just crazy what your body does when you're in a situation like this for such an extended amount of time.

Today I was alone at the hospice with dad for a while and I just had this overwhelming desire to cuddle with him again. The nurses would probably yell at me if i climbed onto bed with him..It just keeps hitting me all the things that we cant do anymore. For example, a couple weeks ago when he was still kind of talking, I came home freaking out (just a bit dramatically) about what to do with my life and needing direction and he grabbed my hand and explained to "his babygirl" that i have plenty of time and it will all work out etc and though it was nothing profound i just realized how loong it had been since he had given me advice. I really miss that. He always knew what to do.

Anyways to get to the title of all this....God's timing. I was getting a little frustrated with God's timing because I felt like this was all just dragging on and its so hard to watch him suffer and its so hard on mom...its just hard and being a person obsessed with comfort and ease...well i just kept asking God why he hasn't taken dad yet... And today I got the answer. We have a friend who is not a believer come to visit dad and ended up having a looong discussion about salvation. Dad had been ministering to this person for quite some time before he got sick but nothing seemed to stick. Maybe that conversation wouldn't have happened had dad not provided this opportunity still being at the hospice. I know the Lord works all things for the good of his people and for his own glory and I know this situation is no different. I pray that many would come to see him in new ways or come to know him for the first time because of Dad's journey.

I feel so blessed to have a Dad that loved me so much, treated me like his princess (which im sure brent wishes he wouldn't have endulged quite so much haha) and taught me so much about my savior. He is leaving behind such an amazing legacy and I cannot wait to hang out with him in Heaven.

Thank you all for the prayers!

a little loneliness a BIG idol...

I will start by saying that I believe in the all surpassing love of my savior and that his shed blood demands my guilty conscience depart, and that everything in the post below is under the knowledge of grace and applied mercy.

Now for some confession.

Loneliness. To feel this I don't think entails any sin. My problem lies wherein it becomes an idol. I feel my heart hardening to the Lord's direction. You'd think after everything i've been through the last two years that i would have learned that The lord will do as he pleases and that, incredibly, that will be precisely what is for his glory AND my good. The two are never separated. I get so overwhelmed with loneliness that I quickly turn to anger or bitterness or just shear determination to get back to birmingham. I want to be sensitive to the Spirit's guidance but so often i find myself consumed in planning and planning and setting my hopes and happiness on getting back to birmingham. I really feel convicted that it has become an idol and i assume the attitude of ... I will not stay here, i cannot be away for two more years, i can't take the loneliness, I'm tired of being selfless, basically a pure brat who wants what she wants and wont have it any other way. i know..its disgusting. I say this mostly for prayer. Ultimately that my heart would be aligned to what the Lord has for me, that i would be wise, not bitter, and run towards his direction with confidence knowing that i am blessed and provided for and loved so dearly. He desires no harm for me and I know theres a lot of pruning going on with me. And i trust that pruning is a good thing...much better than being dead, cut off and thrown into the fires. (im referring to john 15) but pruning is so painful and i feel as though i get stuck in the pain of ohhh you're cutting things off of me...which leads into either bitterness or guilt that "I" actually had something needing to be cut off... instead of allowing my heart to cling to the promise that he who started the good work in me will carry it out into sweet fulfillment and to rest in grace and christ's righteousness...

I think LIMBO is a good word to describe my life at this point. unable to move backwards or forwards. And spiritually i feel stuck at times. I share this to ask for your prayers for there are many times when i know not where to even begin except to cling on to even the most basic truths of the gospel or of god's character. Somedays all i can do is cling onto the truth that God is GOOD and everything else just seems overwhelming.

I hope at least some of this makes sense. If not...well.. welcome to my brain. haha. oh and it is 4 am. so i think maybe i get a pass.

...another quick thought on the loneliness... The Lord is such an intimate God who i know offers comfort and community. I must learn to enjoy his presence alone when He is all i have. But that takes earnest seeking and sometimes i don't feel as though its worth the energy. thats if im really honest with myself... IF only i truly understood/believed what sweet and amazing relationship he offers then i should seek after him with everything inside of me.

Lord help my unbelief.

my posture.

So I've been reading/praying through this amazing book that i recommend to anyone in a relationship. Its technically for those married folk but I am finding it to be amazingly helpful. Its called Prayers of an excellent wife by andrew case and theres one for husbands praying for their wives as well. ANyways..i've been meditating on the one I prayed through today and Its a simple well known concept but im finding that im amazed by it!

Psalms 121:1. I lift my eyes to the hills..where does my help come from? my help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip, he who watches over you will not slumber, indeed he who watches over ISrael will neither slumber nor sleep. The lord watches over you, the LORD is your shade at your right hand, The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. THe LORD will keep you from all harm, he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

I just think this is so cool. And I've been meditating a lot on my posture before the lord and in this world and it is my prayer that my posture consists of my eyes looking up to the hill full of confidence of the help that comes from my God. Its hard to put into words but once you know suffering and i mean know it intimately, i think it is then that the Lord teaches you more about hope. Why understand the value of hope if you don't desperately need it. Our pastor came over yesterday and He was reading from

Romans 5....

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we NOW STAND, and we rejoice in HOPE of the glory of God. 3 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

another version says, hope does not "disappoint". Some people would rather not suffer and not understand Hope as much. But scripture makes it clear that it is a BLESSING to suffer because it produces HOPE and that will NEVER disappoint us, rather it is a sweet sweet gift and i feel blessed that the lord has chosen to reveal this hope and love to my family.

No where does it say this is fun though. haha.

Awesome pics of Dad

So i've been uploading a lot of our camera pics into my computer and i came across some awesome pics of dad! It was such a sweet reminder because being surrounded by him as he has been for the last year...its easy to forget what things used to be like. He is so precious. Here are a few of my favorites! He's so fun. The best dad ever! I miss these times. Its hard to think about losing the piece of your family that held it all together. He was the glue...He was so vital to how we all functioned as a family. Of corse the lord will help us transition but this just feels so wrong. I know its not...its just as the lord has planned and it is for his glory and our good..somehow. But i miss it.

Mifffed!

I just am feeling "miffed" today. -- a petulant, bad tempered mood. I know.. everyone beware. If people who knew me in high school could be around me today they would be shocked to see that the "emotionally dead" girl is now the biggest emotional mess they've ever seen. I dont know what to do with myself. I know i know i have a lot going on but im so tired of my life being an emotional roller coaster. I want to go back to second grade where recess was the absolute best thing in life and the only stress in life was how to tell the difference between there and their. O the glory days. I feel like I'm having to grow up too fast. Or maybe this is normal and I'm just resisting it with everything I have. I guess this is the time to preach the gospel to myself and find my solace in scripture but really all i wanna do is enjoy my java chip frape that i shouldn't even be drinking and cry. I really need to grow up.

The other thing I've been thinking about today is that I have no idea what its like to be in the real world and it scares the crap out of me! My thoughts are consumed with questions of the future, when and how to get married, how to make money, where to finish school, to work now, to move now, to move in the future, to stay with mom, to live by myself, to understand bills and taxes and ahh i just get so overwhelmed. I wanna be in a different place/phase of life, i want the next four weeks just be done. Me being unconscious during them would not be all that bad either... but I just feel like im being blown in the wind and the other second i feel like my feet are stuck in cement. See what i mean about being an emotional mess.

and of corse what my mom would say about all this is to "live in today. not worrying about tomorrow for God has only given you the grace to get through the worries of today." i know i know. I just want to master life. I want to be good at it...have it figured out and it depresses me that this is an impossible task. No one ever has it all figured out. And i think my desire stems from just not wanting to experience pain but I'm learning now that pain though its horrible is not all that bad. Its just part of life..it will always be here. And to try to avoid it with everything i have would be a pointless waste of time. So why do i keep trying to have the perfect life. Why cant i just accept what comes each day. Sigh. If only I had all the answers.

The other thing that really bugs me is money. Why do you have to have it for everything! geez. anybody know a way to make a bunch of money fast that doesn't include prostitution or the lottery. Thanks.

On an Animal Safari!

So we've been trying to think of fun things to do as a family these last couple days and we thought about the wild animal safari in pine mountain. Although it was scorching hot and you got slobbered on..It was so FUN! everyone was laughing so hard. Here are some videos.

Mom got spit on by a llama having some digestive issues

Alisha was freaking out with all the things coming in her window

and Dad just didn't quite know what to do!

I would highly recommend it to anyone looking for something fun!

So i couldn't resist!! I did a little therapy shopping yesterday! and it felt sooo good! Haha this is a common struggle of mine but i didn't go crazy at the mall or anything just three new shirts from my favorite store Lizard Thicket!

I just keep being reminded through this really difficult time of Gods faithfulness. Psalm 33 says ALL THE WORK OF THE LORD IS DONE IN FAITHFULNESS! And it is so true. There have been so many times this past year when i have been deeply disappointed and discouraged and even doubtful that the Lord has my best interest in mind. However even despite my unbelief he proves himself faithful every time. Even in the most minor details of timing he is sovereign and works all things together for my good. There are so many truths and promises in scripture to hang onto.

Last night we had a really good talk with dad and i think we all got a little bit of closure. Because of the aphasia we've had a really hard time trying to figure out what he's thinking and feeling about all this. Last night he was able to really communicate about several things and denies feeling and fear or anxiety and claims to feel peace and a little sad. I get the sense that he truly is very calm! He was able to express a little bit about recent moments with his older brother who refelcted on dad's life and what a testimony and role model he had been for his whole family. He has been such a teacher and servant to everyone in his life. Everyone talks about how the lord will say "well done my good and faithful servant" when you get to heaven and i truly think he will say that to dad. He has done so much kingdom work it was his whole life! Everything he did was an overflow from his deep love of his Father. We were able to assure him not to worry that the Lord is gonna continue to take care of us just like he has done so well all these years and we talked about all the good times when we're all reunited in Heaven.

Sometimes I just get this super strong urge for him to hold me! thankfully right now i can enjoy that... But im gonna miss that when he's gone. He gives the best hugs!

Well I've decided to start a blog! - Im lounging on the couch next to my nephewpuppy chewie who sleeps soo weird! -

Anyways Im sitting thinking about what i would like my father's 'memorial service' to look like (mom says FUNERAL's are too sad so she wants a memorial service lol) Anyways its so bittersweet. While i can have full confidence that my father will see His creator soon and enjoy the reality of Heaven, loosing him is still so hard! I thought i would be prepared for this moment. I thought i'd really lost my dad about a year ago when he developed a brain hemorrhage which took his ability to communicate away. Slowly his personality and quality of life began to disappear and the man i took care of every day the man i knew as my father for 20 years was slowly turning into someone i didn't recognize. I thought i would be relieved... that he would be in a better place and we would't be tortured to keep watching him waste away...But Im NOT prepared. Theres no way you can be prepared. When it comes down to it, No little girl wants to loose her dad...or papa diddy as i called him. No little girl wants to think about graduating college, getting married, getting her first place, having kids, or going on vacation, without having her daddy there to look on and be proud and present in her life!

Sometimes i struggle with anger..not necessarily at God but i guess in a round about way thats the only person to be angry with because he's completely sovereign. But more often than that its just deep sadness. I watch my mom who has been the most loving and faithful wife to him for 30 years...i watch her heart being ripped out and stepped on...i watch her endure the most pain she's ever felt in her entire life...And at times i start to feel overwhelmed but thankfully i have family and friends and a personal relationship with Christ that reminds me of the Great HOPE we have. To quote carrie underwood...this IS our temporary home. And though the loss will take some time to heal...we will all get to be together again in Heaven. Sometimes its just hard to let that sink in.

But when i can remember nothing else i will remember that my God is Good and Loving and his Children will NEVER taste death because He has sent his son to take death upon himself that i may have rich abundant ETERNAL life. Yes, he is so good.